Hope of Morning
by mistye-dawne
Summary: "Or worse, I'll end up hurting you." He look down, away from those watering eyes and rests his head against the blond's chest. "I'd rather die, Yagi." Rated M for mentions of drug abuse.


Aizawa stands at the foot of Toshinori's bed. His skin is crawling and the voices in his head won't shut up.

'It's just a bad night, Shouta. That's all this is.'

' _This isn't bad... this is normal'_

The voices are right. This _is_ his normal. The dark-haired man takes a deep breath and turns around, walking from the bedroom. He reaches up to rub, not scratch, his arms; just like Yagi had shown him. It helps a little, but deep down he's convinced that he'll never feel better until he gets his next fix. He's trying not to resort to that though. He's trying his hardest because he promised Yagi that he would stop.

He should have left after that first night the blond brought him home; he'd been crashing hard and didn't have a pick-me-up to keep him going. He'd gotten attached, but so had Yagi and it was only going to hurt him in the end. Shouta _was_ going to be the one to hurt him and he didn't want that.

"Yagi deserves so much better.'

He wants to go back to bed. It's been days (nights rather) since he'd last slept and he wasn't sure how he was still going since he'd been sober for four days. Or was it five...

He didn't know anymore. He paces the living room of Yagi's apartment, earning a glare from the now disturbed cat. He was trying to think- he hadn't shot up is days. He knew that much because the voices were quiet when he did. He wasn't seeing things so it couldn't have been more than a week since he'd had anything. He looks down at his arms and doesn't see any ointment on them. No fresh punctures, just old scars from years of abuse.

"Shouta?"

He whips about to see Yagi standing in the hallway. "I didn't mean to wake you."

Yagi just shakes his head and walks over to the couch to sit by the cat. "What's got you up?"

"Just thinking," he answers dryly and resumes his pacing, rubbing his arms again. His eyes dart from his arms to Yagi petting the calico that decided to move into the blond's lap. "You should go back to bed, Yagi. You've work in the morning."

"This is the fifth night you've done this, Shouta," he scoffs, "I'm not going back to bed unless you're with me."

"Don't start this, Yagi," Shouta warns. He knows what the man is trying to do. He's trying to prove to Shouta that he's something he's not: better than his next high.

"Or what?" he questions, standing up and blocking the addicts path. Shouta realizes that Yagi isn't wearing a shirt and he can clearly see the scar that stretches across his left side. Shouta had asked plenty of times in the how the older man had gotten it, but all Yagi had ever told him was that he been in an accident during the years that he used.

' _Show him just how low you'd go. You're not strong like him.'_

Shouta wasn't strong. He often told himself that if he were, it's be easier to resist and not give in when the voices got bad. Something dark catches his eyes, but when he turns his head it's gone. Shit. A finger under his chin draws his attention to tired blue eyes. There's an unspoken apology in them and Shouta feels a pang in his heart.

That's why he didn't leave that first night. Those beautiful blue eyes were a whole new high and Shouta was addicted at the first look. They were caring and sincere, but most importantly they knew his pain. He'd heard the story from Yagi plenty of times despite how much it hurt the blond to reopen that wound. That took strength; strength that _he_ would never possess.

' _No...you won't'_

"Just shut up!" he shouts, jerking away from Yagi in the same moment.

He walks around the taller man and makes for the balcony. Shouta slides the glass door open but before he steps out onto the snow-covered concrete, Yagi grips his arm and pulls him away from the biting wind. The smaller man yelps at the painful grip and tries to pull away, but the blond is much stronger than his frail appearance lets on.

Yagi slams the door closed and pushes him onto the couch, then storms to the bathroom. Shouta's heart is racing. He's never seen those eyes filled with anger before.

Yagi returns a minute later and tosses a pencil case down on the coffee table. Shouta looks up at him, wide-eyed as the man sits opposite of him on the couch, motioning for him to open it.

"What's inside?" he hesitantly asks.

"Something to make the voices go away," he answers, nodding at case again.

' _It's right there. Just reach out and grab it.'_

Shouta shakes his head and curls in on himself. What the fuck was Yagi trying to pull? First he was trying to coax him back to bed and now he'd literally thrown his next fix at him. He starts scratching his arms to the point where his skin is reddened and irritated. Yagi wants to move closer and hold the younger man, to show him that he is better than the drugs. Not yet though.

"Why am I such a fuck up?" Shouta chokes out.

That's all he'd ever been. No one wanted him. Not his mother. Certainly not his father. Even Yagi was looking for an excuse to hate him.

"You haven't messed up yet, love," Yagi says softly. Shouta chances a look to the other end of the couch, then quickly turns away when he catches a glimpse of those eyes. "A week ago you wouldn't have hesitated to shoot up." Yagi grabs the case and hides it from the man's sight.

"A week?"

Yagi just nods and walks off to the bathroom with the case, to dispose of it's contents Shouta assumes. What did he mean by a week? Hearing the faucet start running, he gets up and joins the blond, leaning against the doorframe. His bloodshot eyes follows Yagi's hands as he drops a prepared needle into the toilet. He reaches to flush it but when his fingers brush the trigger, he hesitates.

"I brought that here." Shouta sobs, sliding down to the floor.

Yagi flushes the poison then walks over and scoops Shouta into his arms. "You were gone for two days, Shouta. I was so worried that you weren't coming home," he says with a quivering voice.

"Why did you let me back in, Yagi?" he asks, brushing his fingers against the man's scar.

"Because I'm an idiot, Shouta," he confesses. "I'm addicted to you." Yagi holds Shouta tighter. He'd been so relieved that he had somehow made it home and didn't end up at the hospital because he wouldn't have been contacted. That was his biggest fear: not knowing where Shouta was or if something had happened to him. The man didn't have any family or friends to speak of so if something were to happen, he'd probably be passed up to help someone who wasn't a nameless junkie.

"You have to know that I'm only ever going to cause you to worry," Shouta croaks, pulling away to look into Yagi's eyes, "Or worse, I'll end up hurting you." He looks down, away from those watering eyes and rests his head against the blond's chest. "I'd rather die, Yagi."

"You're not going to hurt me, love" he whispers gently.

"You don't know that. You can't," he tries to argue but his voice fails him and he rests his weight against the man holding him. "Yagi," he groans.

"I've got you," he says, his lips pressing against his hair.

"I wanted to let go so bad," he admits. He'd been just a second away from snatching up that needle and using. The world around him had stopped and he was given the chance to let go and let himself fly, but he'd chanced a look at Yagi and those eyes made him fall. "I.. held..."

"Shh, I know. Let's go back to bed, Shouta," he suggests as he awkwardly stands, pulling the smaller man up with him. "Just hold onto me." His voice is gentle, yet direct and Shouta is able stay conscious just long enough to get to the bed with Yagi, though when the pair is close enough he falls onto it, pulling the blond down with him.

Yagi lands uncomfortably on his left side and cries out, but the dark-haired man doesn't hear him. He pulls the sheets over them and pulls Shouta back into his arms. He wasn't sure where things between them were going to end up. Maybe the man in his arms was right, and he would hurt Yagi. But maybe the opposite would happen.

Shouta often commended him for his strength in remaining sober for so long and admired the blond because of it. He didn't realize that Yagi had bad days too, even more so with Shouta in his life, though he'd never say so aloud. Shouta needed stability in his life and Yagi needed to feel needed. It wasn't the healthiest relationship to be had, but they had something to offer the other and he was fine with that.

The blond's eyes finally slip closed just before the early morning sun peeks through the curtains. Today was going to be a long day,but the night had passed and Shouta was still with him, sleeping in his arms. He intended to make sure that the younger man knew that he wasn't alone in this struggle. No matter how afraid he was of being abandoned, Yagi wasn't going to let him go through this alone because he'd never survive on his own at this point. Not as he was right now. But that was something to worry about another time. For now he was happy that they'd made it through the night together.


End file.
